I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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