why do cheetos always look like penises
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
