I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
