I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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