When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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