She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
