I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
