lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
