i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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