i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
