hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
