he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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