All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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