Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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