I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
