My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
