Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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