He kissed a someone with a penis
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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