So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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