new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
When are your genitals available?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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