So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
