I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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