How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
