I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I touched a dick in church today
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
