did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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