It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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