i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
