im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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