I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
are you so shy because you have an std?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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