Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
