"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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