Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
