Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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