My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
