That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
i think my cat just said my name.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
