We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
