Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
