How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
