i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize