I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
