woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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