ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I am spending my child support on dildos
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
