Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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