I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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