she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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