pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
