I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Bring me that man meat
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
