my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
