do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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