made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just had sex on a roof
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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