I just made out with a guy for $7.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
