You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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