she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Randomize
