Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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