The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
