stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Shame is for Republicans.
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