my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
