they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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