he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize